Peace should not have been there, but it was because God was there.
A liquid-filled nodule enclosed between my vocal cords led me to have sporadic pain and terrible self-esteem in my early youth. As the nodule grew, it became increasingly visible to people around me.
Photos to me during this time were nothing but a confirmation that I did not look normal unlike other kids because of an awkward lump in my neck.
Came with the nodule in my thyroid included extreme emotions, mild shaking, occasional pain, and a bit of swelling in the neck area from time to time to the point that it felt like I was being strangled as I carried on with my day.
I discovered I had this throat nodule while I was in grade school. Unfortunately, a misdiagnosis from a family acquaintance who worked in healthcare led me to miss out on early treatments. Thankfully, a medical expert later became available to help me as my parents went to get further medical consultation by the grace of God.
Upon careful check-up, the doctor advised that I am looking at either a permanent scar on my throat or a permanently damaged voice if we want the nodule removed.
Peace was there
"What did I do wrong?," I asked (non-verbatim).
"Why did this happen?"
In response, the doctor said something along the lines of "It's just something that randomly develops in some young people and, for others, it does not happen at all or it disappears at a young age. It's not hereditary."
In all these, I, of course, felt troubled and uncertain.
But these feelings never lingered.
As soon as I walked out the hospital door, I was in every definition, unafraid. And I continued on to enjoy my childhood as many others did.
I see this as the grace of the Lord that He did not let my young heart at the time be overcome with fear or to be fully discouraged by my health problem. He did not let the temptations of blaming Him, which is a common lie many believe today much to their heartache, bother my vulnerable mind that perhaps would not have been strong enough to battle out such a lie because this was also the time my family had a falling out.
By all earthly means, peace should not have been there in my heart and mind, but it was because God was there.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:6-7
The monitoring of the function-less nodule went on for some time. And until we were ready for the surgery, I just had to keep going with the nuclear tests and avoiding pregnant ladies that could be harmed by the radiation I emanated on days of medical examinations.
God directs
At fourteen or fifteen, I was at times anxious about what people thought of me.
But God rid of this through many things, and one of which was through impromptu public speaking.
But what is impromptu speech? It's a type of speech I consider to be a completely different animal than those speeches memorized and delivered publicly.
In an impromptu speaking competition, one is given a topic, given five or so minutes to think about a speech without any sort of paper or pen (most of the time), and is asked to give a full speech from three minutes to five minutes or sometimes it is limitless (however long the speaker wants his or her speech to be) on stage. The person gets judged by a panel and ranked.
At some point, a teacher told me that a poll revealed people feared public speaking more than death. So basically, they would rather be the one who is in the casket than the one who would give the eulogy. And I would have felt the same had it not been for God who reminded me that He is my Main Audience and my Sustainer.
Whatever you find to do with your hands, do it with all your might, for in Sheol, where you are going, there is no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom. - Ecclesiastes 9:10
I am sure there are different reasons for people's fear of public speaking, but one of the relatable reasons for me is fear or concern over people's judgment. God rid of my anxious thoughts about what others think of me by helping me understand that I should speak not to impress but to express, and that there is only One God in the room who I need to honor and that's Him: Jesus. I should be more concerned to honor Him with what I am doing by giving my best using the voice He gave me. I cannot live for people's expectations and thoughts toward me. I am happiest when I glorify God because that is my design - our design. So this made public speaking extremely fun.
It became the goal: to honor God by giving my best and include Him in my speeches, and God blessed me as I competed. I learned through this extensive experience that God is merciful and uses us in areas where we never thought we would be called to explore, even at a time of brokenness and pain because of my nodule which made speech rehearsals challenging.
This passion continued and I joined more and more auditions, rehearsals, and competitions, and I have been able to represent not just my high school but also my university and local municipality and even Rotaries and regions, and I earned money every time I won (that God would later have me use to fund my college studies). This was all the while I had a nodule enclosed between my vocal cords - all the more proof that Jesus can do far more than what we can imagine or think.
Joy robber
When my family had a falling out, it was impromptu speech competitions among other things that God used to channel funds He wanted me to receive. I very much needed to go to college and brave through it in the Lord since I did not have anyone supporting my education as a freshman student new to the world of young adulthood.
Among the things that robbed me of my joy was the fact that in college my condition got worse and, though functionless, the nodule continued to make me shake, feel fatigued, and the lot.
I studied in a city up a hill which is not ideal for someone whose heart palpitates without any warning and has to walk around a lot and climb many stairs.
I ended up meeting an excellent endocrinologist in the city where I lived in college. He advised he can aspirate the liquid out of my nodule because it is big enough and it is neither hyperthyroidism nor hypothyroidism.
As God had this doctor pierce my skin on my throat with a massive injection that sucks water out of the nodule, the nodule grew smaller and smaller after each session.
But the point came when the nodule refilled with liquid on its own after I missed some appointments and the endo revealed there is no chance anymore at healing because it keeps coming back. Surgery is the only way and I would either lose my voice or have a permanently damaged one - a massive scar is guaranteed as well.
And again, this was terrible to hear.
But I had peace.
My mom, being the one of more mature faith at the time, saw it as an opportunity to tell her piece. She said to the man:
"Doctor, if that's the case, let me pray for it first."
The doctor sounded annoyed and said,
"Fine, but there's really nothing that can be done anymore. She needs to go through surgery."
No limits
Time eventually came for the final check-up before the surgery so we went back. And the endo grabbed his measuring device to measure the nodule.
And to everyone's surprise, except my mom, he said,
"Wait a second, where is it?"
The nodule became so small it only needed aspiration, no longer a surgery.
"Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you." — Exodus 23:25
You know what it is? Let me point it out clearly. God heard and took the pain away.
After all, He is limitless.
Before and after this check-up that had gone well, I had no manifestations of the problematic health condition and after a few aspirations we were done! My neck became normal once again, the nodule disappeared, it never resurfaced, and the voice God gave did more than just for me to speak about politics, technology, tourism, and topics of sorts.
The voice God chose for me out of His love, goodness, and mercy became useful in talking about God's call for the youth in a speech I gave in Washington D.C. before a hundred other scholars from roughly 50 nations,
With this voice God preserved, I got to tell stories,
disciple,
care those who need prayers, counsel, and care,
and promote access to international education.
In Sum
I share these things because God is great, and He is at eager to bless you too. My journey, as rough as it is, had peace because God eagerly takes our burdens away.
If you are a follower of God, press on! If you do not know the Lord Jesus yet, but you would you like to know Him. Pray this prayer to Jesus:
God Almighty, I need You. I want to know You better, and I want a genuine personal relationship with You. Please help me to seek You and reveal Yourself to me. Help me, Lord, to keep you first in everything. In Jesus' Name, AMEN.
In a time no one in my life could relate to what I am going through, I also learned who's in my corner: God, my healer, and my very own mother who depended on the Lord.
I also learned that the devil can never make any child of God do anything. He can tempt and plant wrong thoughts but he can never force believers of Christ into anything. Amid scares as the one I experienced, the devil never triumphed because God has protected you and I long ago. We just have to believe in Him and choose to take refuge in Him through this.
He has already promised healing as well. Whether it's going to happen on Earth or in Heaven is for Him to know and for us to look forward to.
He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength...Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." — Isaiah 40:29,31
To Jesus Christ be all the glory!
Until next time,
Grace
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